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Sunday Morning

This is the post excerpt.

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The picture below would describe a perfect Sunday morning.  While I am a Christian and have a strong belief that God is in control, I have chosen not to attend church (in the physical sense) today.  An event that shook me to my core occurred in the church building about 2 months ago.  I’ve been in the building two times since then and both times induce anxiety that I hold in until I am alone, then a full blown panic attack ensues.  Discussion of increased security was made, but to my knowledge nothing happened.  The building has no landline phone because “we don’t need one.”  Additionally, it is very rural area and cell coverage is spotty at best.  It took sheriff’s deputies in excess of 15 minutes to get there.  During that time, I was alone in a small room and someone was doing everything possible to get in…every time he hit the door, I thought it would give.  God was watching out for me.  My cousin, who I will always consider my hero, showed up to check on me.  The would be intruder ( and most likely attacker) ran.  My cousin showed up almost 10 minutes before local law enforcement.  I know God was with me during that time.  I also know that God understands my fear of going back in the building where I really believed I would die.

 

Today I pray for peace for everyone.

I also pray for the courage to reach out and try attending other churches.  I don’t want to hurt my family, but I can’t handle the panic attacks anymore.  They’ve begun to affect all areas of my life.

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Weather Wins

Since developing fibromyalgia symptoms and migraines, I have been able to predict the weather with a high degree of accuracy. Rain, of any kind, brings an increase in pain levels. Even a light shower can change my level of pain.

It takes a storm system to bring on a migraine. More specifically, a change in barometric pressure due to a storm system will cause me to develop a migraine. Some of my migraines are strong. Most are weaker.

Until fairly recently, I have had to deal with doctors who didn’t believe weather affected my illnesses. They would tell be that it was “all in my head”. I HATE that expression. It implies that I don’t know what I’m talking about. That I’m making things up and that I’m not 100% psychologically stable.

Several years ago a doctor laughed at me when I mentioned that my migraines were weather related. He was convinced I had menstrual migraine…I don’t. This was at a time where I truly needed validation. I didn’t get it, and suffered more because of that experience.

I tend to think I’m older (and maybe wiser) now. I tend to be my own advocate. After all, we must take care of ourselves. No one, absolutely no one, is going to care about you more than you do.

Fibromyalgia Flare-Up …It’s Day One of (I hope just 1).

My fibromyalgia is flaring today. The only thing that keeps me moving forward is taking a fairly strong muscle relaxer at night. If is especially bad, I take the muscle relaxer three times a day. Today really is an especially bad day.

The muscle relaxers that make the worst days bearable also cause me to have dry eyes. The best I can do for that is to use moisturizing eye drops.

The depression that comes with fibromyalgia has really been at its worst for about 2 months. A series of events caused excessive stress in my life. The stress exacerbated the fibromyalgia symptom and now my body is in an all-out flare.

Before the all-out flare, I was dealing with a bout of depression and anxiety like I’ve never had before. I think relentless describes it. Medication for depression takes time to work. Every day that passed, I felt like a was falling deeper and deeper into a hole until one day — everything fell to the bottom.

The only good thing about falling to the bottom of a hole…you’re not going lower. You have 2 choices. Stay in the hole or start climbing and clawing your way out. I went with more of a clawing my way out. It is a ridiculously slow climb back up. Dealing with pain and fatigue makes it worse.

In the midst of extreme physical pain this morning, I realized that I felt defeated. Even worse, I acted like I was defeated and believed that I was defeated by life. But, I also came to this conclusion: I don’t like feeling defeated, especially since it felt like losing. I don’t like losing.

So…climb up out of this stinking hole…while dealing with pain that rates 8 or 9 on a scale of 1 to 10.

How in the world am I’m supposed to fight through one thing when there’s several things holding me back??? Right now I’m not sure…but I’m not giving in. I will make it out of this horrible hole.

And Still Learning…

I’m tired. I really tired. I could easily sleep all day and I might get back to normal.

I’m see a neurologist this week. Hopefully we will find a solution and life will start getting back to normal.

Migraines and stress go together. Depression and stress go together. Anxiety and stress go together. Everything I deal with leads back to stress. So, eliminate stress, eliminate all the others. Now I wonder if stress is the link to fibromyalgia too. At this point, I say yes. Stress contributes heavily to fibromyalgia.

And I’m learning more every single day.

Bad Day

Depression is very real. Today someone decided to put a sticker on my office door. It said “Mean People Need Prozac”

It was one of the most inconsiderate, cruel, stupid, unintelligent things someone could do.

I was told a health professional did it. Can you say someone should lose their license.

I suffer from depression, so it made it that much worse for me. I spent four hours crying and then ended up in the doctors office with a BP of 180/150…completely attributed to that damn sticker.

Today is Bad

I made the mistake of coming with my sister to get her hair done. Three hours of sitting in a salon plus an hour and fifteen minutes in the car have left me in pain.

It’s becoming unbearable and I would do just about anything to make it go away. But I’m stuck with it. I hurt. If I say anything about it, I’m judged. So I’m sucking it up and will probably be bedridden for days just from this incredibly stupid decision I made to come along.

At Least I Got Up and Left the House this Morning

I decided that if I woke to another day of lethargy, low grade fever and the odd rash that’s taken over my face, I would go to the doctor and demand a complete blood work up.

I went. I demanded. The NP tried to talk me out of it. I refused to budge. I had the blood drawn. I’m now waiting. I want to see what my white count is. I’ve always been able to tell when it’s off. I feel like it’s off.

I have spent a month of trying to clean out packed rooms one day and then I’m down for 3 or 4 days. Then I start again.

My summer started off wonderful. I was accomplishing things left and right. Then I fell. Major injury. Ortho put me in a boot, but within s week I was handling the boot fine. It was just a little over a month after the fall I just didn’t feel right. My leg didn’t look right either. None of the bruises and even faded a little. I began running a fever. I would feel faint. I would get nervous. My leg started to go thru alternating burning and being numb.

In all reality. It was when the boot came off that all the other things started. I’m really tired of feeling this way. I want to go back to May 8, 2018 and get a do-over for the summer. But I can’t, so I’m learning to live in a very different way than I ever planned.